I know I should probably take the fact that I seem to have acquired a stalker as a sign of validation. Like buying your first house and learning how to shave (hopefully things you accomplish in reverse order). I always knew that beauty is in the eye of the repressed closeted man. But for the love of god, if I have to have a stalker, could I at least have a stalker with proper email etiquette? Call me a grammar fascist,  but decent writing skills matter to me. Because you know, once that sms or email is sent, it’s like diamonds. It’s forever.

So dear stalker, here’s the hitchhiker’s guide to email stalking correspondence, boiled down for you especially in three easy points:

  • If you want to make a point YOU DONT HAVE TO USE ALL CAPS BECAUSE THAT MAKES PEOPLE ANXIOUS AND THEY MIGHT END UP SWALLOWING A WHOLE BOTTLE OF XANEX. AND THAT’S KINDA LETHAL YOU KNOW? I like your vintage taste in terms of communication and how you would like your emails to look like good old-fashioned telegrams, but please unless a nuclear reactor is about to explode could you use normal low case letters just like us commoners?
  • If you really have to use all caps, CAN YOU AT LEAST USE PUNCTUATION BECAUSE WHEN YOU RAMBLE ON FOR A WHOLE PARAGRAPH TALKING NONSENSE ABOUT YOUR DAY AND HOW YOU LIKED OUR LATEST REPORT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY I KNOW IT IS A NICE DAY AND WE SHOULD GO FOR A DRINK WHAT DO YOU SAY I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE BUSY BUT FRIDAY WORKS FOR ME I WILL CALL YOU TUESDAY WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY JUST IN CASE YOU MIGHT FORGET AND IF YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO PICK UP MY CALLS I WILL KEEP CALLING YOU AND TEXTING YOU UNTIL YOUR PHONE MELTS.

  • Since you are not Virgina Wolf or James Joyce, I suggest you avoid flow of consciousness as your email narrative style. I would likewise avoid Proustians sentences of over 8 lines with no punctuation because you do not sound like a repressed literary genius of a Frenchman – you just sound like a crazy person. Syntax is not your thing habibi. Try woodwork or sudoku.

Finally, if you are running out of excuses to see me, please avoid inviting me for a celebratory drink on the occasion of the birth of your second child. Really. Even if my self-esteem was at historic minimum, I would never be able to date someone who is married with kids and cannot write proper emails.

Not yours – not even in a million years

R

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